More poems

I feel trapped ( not because of you)

The dark disappeared, the light shining in my room with no ease,
I feel trapped, not because of you, I am trapped in myself, I lost myself,
I lost the direction, I felt hungry,
I was afraid, I am afraid, the unknown future,
the unknown dreams, the unknown darkness, the unknown hope,
I feel trapped, not because of you

The logic does not follow the emotion,
The darkness does not match the lightning,
The fantasy doe not fit the reality,
The longing and dreaming just like bubbles over the Pacific Ocean.

you see it, you saw it, you feel,
Body falling apart, emotion flowing….

Love without any freedom.

You said you wasted all my fucking time, I said I will never leave you alone.
I don’t want to leave you alone
I don’t want to leave you alone at all.

Maybe I am drunk tonight,
Maybe I am silly,
maybe I am fragile
I like to be with you just for the hell of it
I am in peace...I am in peace now.
I feel so good, I am so happy...the sun coming down from the heaven make my skin dance like wind…….

I feel trapped, not because of you



When I was Young
When I was young
I thought I knew the truth
Now I am old
I am full of shit

What is love?
Love is torture
What is lust?
Lust is rebel

When I was young
I thought I was right
Now I am old
I am full of shit

What’s love
Love is torture
What is curse
Curse is rebel

When I was young
I thought I was right
Now I am old,
I am full of shit

The sun came down to my chest,
The window is big enough to cover our lives
The moon danced like a child
The plants breathed like my last life

I thought you were right
I thought you were full of pride

I thought I am the only one to get rest
But, that’s never the case


You were talented
And I though you know everything,
I was wrong, indeed
I thought you are everything for me
I thought in your heart there was just one name singing, I though
You’re the one for me.

Actually everything is illusion,
And it stuck in my ears.

I can’t see
I can’t hear
I can’t even feel, breathe
I was like a child, crying like a baby,
Yes, I did cry like a baby, if you ask me why I’m blaming on my destiny.

I can’t sing
I can’t dance
I can’t see your breath

You walked away
Like an angel
But to me,
You are still a child.

A child lost his brain
A child lost his dream
A child lost his own taste
A Child flying in the middle of the
Forest.

A child without feet
A child without wings
A Child without nothing
We call this world fantasy

I thought you are right
But we always fight
I thought you are the angel
But you always scream at me for no reason

I thought you’re a human
You said you’re from different planet.

I’m tired, swollen,
Have no motivation

Interaction, arguing,
Selling, & fucking,
No sad smile in heaven.

This world is full of you and me,
This world is chaos.

I don’t know the answer
I am the woman has no answer

I am full of shit, just like anyone else.

We’re the bubbles floating in the entire ocean with no
time and moonlight.
Just like last night
No full moon night
No pretty things and kisses.

I am the woman lost her own voice
I can just stand over the edge of 101 freeway
Watching all the Mercedes passing by.


American Dream


The American dream set me free
The American dream made me
Complete
The American dream made me
fall in love
fall in love with
You.

That’s why I run away
It’s all a dream
Let the pain dissolve away

Follow your dream
Time does not compromise
Follow your dream
Your heart will find you
Follow your dream
Your dream is you

Follow your dream
Your dream is complete, like you


I am so free
I am so in love with you.





Life on the fastest lane

The red hot pain,
the clear black blue sky is
the darkness in my bathroom and kitchen
Life is on the fastest lane.

I know every single street,
I know every light that turned on at night
I entered the orange light of the city
I saw his eyes
I felt his breath

I fall in love with every street and every person I encounter each day.

I’ve heard every bird’s singing and every single flower’s blossoming.
I fall in love with city just because of one person.

LA Life(My poetry collection)

LA Life
--- A Desperate Chinese Girl’s Confession


About the author: Niki Yan,
Writer/Actress from China, the author of eight books in Chinese. Niki now lives in Los Angeles.



The Old Man and me


I fall in love with an old man
He is 30 years older than me

He has grey hair and blue eyes
His height is as same as me

He smokes, he drinks,
He plays guitars and Piano
He told me he is lonely

I met him through on-line dating
I thought it was pretty insane

First time we met we had Cuban black beans
His winkles was pretty in the dark side of the city

I really did not look at him directly
But he said Niki you are so pretty
I closed my eyes,
He held my hands.
We went for a drive
On Mulholland Dr.

It was dark it was late
It was foggy
It was great

Mist covered his glasses
His soul danced in his truck

I liked him immediately
Even though I knew he is as old as my daddy

I fall in love with him immediately
He said all the women took his money away
I felt sorry I felt mad
I wanted to kiss him, but I was too afraid

He played his music and he told me his past
How that old bitch cheated on him for another man rich
I heard his crying and his pain
All I wanted is to comfort him

The day passed, we saw each other again
He bought me roses he set me free
He has no Mercedes he has no big houses
His face carved with sincerity.

Dignity and pain
Divinity and pride
I fell in love with him right way

He opened the car door and put my seat belt on
I never see a man could be this gentle
He wiped my tear and touched my finger tips,
I was moved I was touched
I was happy I was excited

We planed our first anniversary carefully
We lived together and we care about each other
I cook for him, I wash his dishes
We make love like angles.

I touch his skin
When he is dreaming
I look at him like a baby

I feel so lucky
I feel great
He lives in Studio City
He said Niki, I am too old for a dream
I said darling you can do it again

You may not know the story
His life was up and down crazy.
He used to be a producer, he used to be a millionaire.
He used to live like a king
Now he does construction work and he barely survives.

He lost all his money and studios
He lost all his Mercedes and music
Some bustard stole his song fifteen years ago
They made a lot money but he got no penny
He quit his job in the music industry
He started doing construction work since

He said Niki Hollywood can make you rich and throw you away
I told him baby let’s try it again

I saw his sorrow saw his loss
But what can we do about the past?

He plays piano and guitars
His voice beautiful as angels
Every night when we go to beds
I told myself Niki you are the luckiest girl in the world.

You may say I am crazy
But that’s the way it is
I am happy I am so lucky
I don’t care what people say
I fall in love

I don’t care what they say to us….
I fall in love
I fall in love….
I fall in love.

You may say I am crazy
But that’s what it is
I am happy I am so lucky
I don’t care what people say

I fall in love with this old man






LIGHT


I am the lightning in the dark blue sky
The sunshine under your eye,
The imaginary rose and clouds
The rain that wet your dreams
The dragonfly, the sound, the silence, the pain the prayer,
The emptiness, the daring one with all the courage
I want to share you my sorrow and pain
If I am living my life as God's wish




Where can we go ?


Where can we go?
What can we see?
Where are you gonna to stay?

What’s tomorrow?
Where yesterday?
I think I’m falling in love with you
Cause I saw your soul.
Cause I saw your sorrow.

I love people,
I love you,
I love my neighborhood,

I love the sky filled with light.

I love your eyes filled with tears.
I love to see you cry,
I love to see you alive.



Love is a fragile thing


We love,
We care
We can not betray our heart

The beauty and purity
The dignity and divinity
Love is eternal…
love is an fragile thing...

Darling....I know your pain
I know your longings, I know your dreams.
I know you,
A working man with a mission

I know you are my fantasy

I know you are my responsibility

But love,
Is a fragile thing.



HEAVEN

When the sun goes down,
Dear! looking into the horizon
over the Pacific ocean,
the red ball shines for who?
The waves ring for who?
and your heart BEATING for who?

And your voice, your dreams are singing for who?

(when you look into the horizon, did you see a woman's both beauty and pain?)

when I look into horizon,
I saw your skin, thousands of years old, pure, shining
Ancient

The water is burning,
the fire is singing,
the Pacific is ever green,
I know there is a place called heaven




When you’re smiling at me

When you’re smiling at me,
I see your face,
When you’re smiling at me
I see your tears.
When you’re smiling at me,
My heart beating hard like a kid

The sun suddenly breathes
The flower suddenly turns red
And the clouds are white

When you're smiling at me
Happiness dancing around on my fingertips.

You’re like an angel to me
When you’re smiling at me
I’m closest to heaven


Gaze


You are beautiful
You are an angel

You are a soldier
You are my mirror
You are my fear
You are my long lost pal

Gaze you like sex
Looking into your soul
I cried

I cried like a leaf falling down the
River

I cried
After you warmed the very center of my
fear

I know
This is not the end

Gaze at you
Like heaven coming to earth
Like your tears shine on my finger
tips.

let’s go to Mars
Let’s drink coffee on Sunset blvd
Let’s make love in the forest
When the moon shine in your blood

Let’s laugh
Let’s cry
Let’s live with decency
Let’s be outrageous
Let’s be gentle
Like fire
Like water
Like the flame from heaven


Sweet Pie ( The coldness of Los Angeles)

My gaze at your forehead
My roof under your eye
I can never forget
I can never escape
from your little secret

I’m like a flame
Losing its very bright
I’m like a bird
try to heal the old wounds
I’m like an alien
Look into your window

But you are NOT there
You are not there my friend
The sky covered everything up
I’m just staying in my little cold room
Listening “The Man who Sold the world”

Am I looking for connection?
Am I seeking your shadow?
Or it’s your innocence melted the dark side of my dream?

I don’t know
I’m just a lost child
I gazed you from another planet
I gazed you from my last breath
I gazed you with my both hands trembling in the wind
I gazed you with that confusion and innocence
Like a lost child finally found home

It’s a cold day in Los angles
The cold air sneaked in to my bones
I’m thinking of you
I’m thinking of you cause I love
I’m thinking of you cause I am lost
I’m thinking of you cause I finally found home

The rain poured in May
The strangers’ eye passes by
I’m like an alien lost my direction
But sure this is not the end

This is not the end baby
I’m looking for your shadow,
Like I’m looking for sunbeam
In this rainy day
Under my roof

I’m looking for you cause I love
I’m looking cause I care
Maybe too much

I miss you not because one soul betrayed another
I miss you cause you are an angel

This is a rainy day in Los Angeles
I’m looking for you like I’m looking for my last life
Like I’m looking for shadow in the dazzling bright sunlight
Which created who I am

I miss you yes I am innocent
I’m not guilty cause you are sensitive enough to figure it all
Out

I miss you cause I am an angel too

I want to touch your fingertips
I want to have a road trip

I want to kiss your hair
I want to reach your soul

How long it takes to break my sin?
How long it takes to make a love complete?

I am waiting for you
In the shadow

I am waiting for you
In my own cube

I’m waiting for you
Cause I love

I miss you
Cause I am an angel too.








When the Day Ends


We were happy
We were working together
We were happily ever after.

We were friends,
We were lover,
We were the luckiest.

But when the day ends,
I could not find your smile.

I was like a ghost
Hanging around on Sunset Blvd.

I was, crying,
crying for whom?
I was happy, happy for whom?
You did not know, you may never know.

I was trembling like a child,
Everybody saw the emptiness on my face,
I was looking for you!

I was looking for your shadow,
I was looking for your....fragile

I was looking for your
breath, face, love
I could not hold myself.
I did not want to hold myself.

I am a child.

I could not wait,
I never be able to wait,
I am madly in love,
I’m in love with you.

I could not even control myself.
I did not even want to control myself.
I was crazy,
crazy for you,
I was insane,
insane because of you.
I was sober,
sober for you.

I was killing myself
for... you.

you did not know,
you may never know.
Today is the first day.
Tomorrow may never come.

I was crying , crying for you,
I was longing, longing because of you.
I was bitching,
bitching for you.

I was mad, madly in love with you.

But when the day ends,
I was naked,
when the day ends,
I was far from heaven.
You were sleeping,
you may be sleeping now.
You may never know my heart, my blood,
my fragile feeling and emotion,
my flowing pain....

I was looking for a broken soul.
I was looking for you.




Purple

Please take a deep breath
Please listen to your heart closely
Please forget my name if you don’t remember my face,
Please think of a girl, in a beautiful afternoon,
When the rainbow starts arising,
When the air is full of your breath,
When the wind starts breezing, dear!
When you’re drinking your coffee at Starbucks
Please think…think of a girl

16 years old, walking toward you
with a velvet trend
with a pinnacle light on her hand

Her cloth is so white, like the moonlight,
She remembers that night, the moon also was so bright
that night, how the lightning breaking through
the surface of her tide.

Tonight,
The moon blossoming like lotus
She walking down your window
like a purple lilac
bringing you the ancient fragrance
With the ocean’s breath



A Raining Day in Los Angeles

It’s a raining day in Los Angeles,
darling, I opened my window cause
I want to see you.
to see you as a stranger, to see you as a lover
to see you as my echo
to see a beautiful soul covered with fear

If not for me,
What’s the meaning of living?
If not for me,
What’s the point to live in the city of angels?

Mama said she will be right back
Papa said his hair turned white

I closed my window, then I want to go back to Colorado
Go back to Aspen…
Go back to where I came from…
Hiding in those pine trees and never never miss you.

I want to leave this city just for you
I want to save all my tears in my heart,
just for you.
darling, you promised me
you will be right back…

It’s a raining day in Los Angeles.




(2004, Hollywood, afternoon, when the sun comes out…)





If you ask me why

The rain dropped on your cheek,
the train left me 45 years ago,
the smile and the little house we shared our dreams
You ask me why...

The strange boy passing by
His eyes full of light
If you ask me why,
There is no reason why I said good bye,
If you ask me why

The strange boy’s tears stuck
In my chest,
I standing in the middle of the
dark
I laughed, I cried,
I cried, I laughed,
If you ask me why
I never came back.

Just woke up from the dust
just pretend like a sixteen year old
just put my pillow on the right
just washed my dished with all the sour and bitterness
spicy and delusion,
fantasy and imagination
I'm here for a reason

Just came back from the battle field
baby, if you ask me why I never came back...

If you ask me why,
Let me open my eye
Show you all my sorrows and strength
If you ask me why,
let me open my eye

(Give me sunshine give me light give me a hand give me your dream
give me hope give me love
give me ALL you have. )


If you want to read more, please contact me: Rainbowsea@hotmail.com
323-798-4524 ( I will send you the complete E-Book of the poetry. There are 100 more. They are all the treasures I saved in the past years by living in Los Angeles. Yes, they are all TRUE experience. And I charge $35 for the complete collection. You can pay me in person, or send through Bank/West Union/Money Gram etc. Thanks for reading! Have a great day! Niki)